More Than Just a Mom

Last year I read this post on A CUP OF JO about Jo's struggle with postpartum depression. For her it didn't come until she was weaning her child. I found it interesting and must have stored the information from that article in the back of my cob-webby mommy brain.

Anyways, I didn't really think that I would struggle with strong emotional feelings when it came to pregnancy and motherhood. I am a fairly stoic person and not overly emotional. While pregnant, I can count on one hand the number of times I cried for no reason. I even saw the movie "The Help" and I didn't cry. Surrounded by women in a theater and very pregnant and I didn't even tear up. 

After Jack came along I jumped into the business of being a mom and don't recall feeling anything unusual. When my period came back I had intense cramps but no strong emotional feelings to go with it. All of this to say that I appeared to be returning to my normal, even after giving birth.

So, it has been a bit of shock that as I come to the end of nursing my sweet boy {we are in the process of weaning, and Sunday will be the last day} I have been feeling at odds with myself. I have felt lost in a sea of motherhood. Some days I feel that all I am is a mom and it overwhelms me. I have been having odd panicky feelings surrounding death and illness that grip me in the night. Bouts of insomnia have plagued me the last couple of weeks. And I wonder what is going on.

Then I remember reading this article and I think, this could be what is going on.*

And it makes me feel a bit better.

I have also been reminding myself that while I love being a mom and Jack has made me a better person, I am more than that. There are roles that I filled before I became a mother that I still fill today. None of that has changed. Some of those roles may have shifted in priority, but they still exist.

Wife. Daughter. Sister. Friend. Christian. Artist. Outdoor Enthusiast. Good Cook. Adrenaline Junkie. Designer. World Traveler. Lover of Books and Learning.

I think my recent feelings are why it was so important to me to go hiking last weekend. I didn't care that it was a bit cool or that we got a late start and would only be able to squeeze in a couple of miles. I desperately needed to feel like me. I needed to do it for myself. I needed to do it so that I could be a better wife and mom. It is why I have been forcing myself to go workout with a group a couple of times a week. Even though it is dark and cold out, I need those moments to clear my mommy head and feel like I am me again. No other obligations, just me.

*Note that I don't think I am suffering from any kind of severe depression. Certainly not anything debilitating. It is more that I have just been struggling with my own personal identity and I think that some of what I have been going through could be linked to hormonal changes that go along with weaning a baby.