Saying Goodbye

 Our extended family that was able to gather for the funeral.

The older I get, the more I experience the truth that weddings and funerals are the only times that (extended) family really gets together. 

In recent years it feels like there have been more funerals than weddings to attend... I guess that just goes with getting older.

My dad and aunt (in red) with 3 of their Cannon cousins.

About 10 days ago we headed to my parents house in Searcy, AR to gather with loved ones to remember my Grandma. We reminisced, laughed and ate lots of good food. 

It's easier saying goodbye to a loved one when they have lived a very full and long life, and when you know you will see them again one day.

Since all of our kids are still pretty young, we kept it light for their sake. We had a babysitter watch Jack and his cousins during the visitation and funeral, and picked them up for the meal with the extended family afterward. 

We saw old friends, parents of old friends, and extended family that we hadn't seen in a very long time.

My brother missed the gathering, but we did Skype with him after everything was over (he was in Brazil on a trip). 

Life has a way of happening and we are so grateful that technology lets us be connected even when we can't be there in person every time.

My kids had a blast hanging out with their cousins. Isaac showed off his crawling and cruising skills while Jack was in little boy heaven with cousin Levi. Izzy had a harder time since she is the oldest and the only girl to boot. 

We spent a lot of time letting our kids run wild – either at my parent's place or local playgrounds. I'm glad that it could be a happy weekend.

As our trip came to a close, Isaac developed a fever and seemed miserable. He kept shrieking so we had a feeling he was teething. Five days later two new top teeth popped through his gums.

It was a quick trip home, but we had a good visit. I hope we have the opportunity to connect with family again before the next funeral...
 

Before heading home we shared a dinner that included fried okra and blackberry cobbler – food is an integral part of our memories of Grandma so it was fitting to end the weekend with food that reminded us of Grandma. I hope she is cooking up a feast in heaven.

Remembering Grandma

My grandma with her children and daughter-in-law, circa 1976.

For every loss I have experienced in my lifetime, it has come as a jolt. Like a car stopping suddenly. With Grandma it was different. She has been confined to a bed for the last three years and has been slowly fading.

Grandpa Moore, me, Grandma and Angela, 1986.

So while death is sad, there is a sense of relief that she has gone home to heaven. Home to loved ones that have gone on before her. Home to a place where she can walk again and do the things she loved the most, where she no longer has to wonder why she is confined to a bed. Some day we will meet her in that place.

Grandma holding Mark, 1986

   
This week, as we waited for the inevitable phone call, I have been thinking a lot about my Grandma. This sweet, little lady would have turned 95 in June and her life definitely had an impact on my own.

Grandma and Grandpa Moore, circa early 1990s

Before there was Pinterest, there was Grandma Moore...

Grandpa and Grandma visiting us in Corunna, Ontario Canada, circa 1990.

When I think of Grandma, I think of food. Good, southern food. As a child I would pore over her cookbooks, watch cooking shows with her (hello Julia Child), read her Southern Living magazines, and even help her cook. 

 

Me and Grandma before my high school graduation, 1998.

She gave me my first taste of cornbread and polk greens (that we helped her pick on the side of the road). There was fried okra (and pickled okra for my sister), sweet corn (and a story that my mom once ate 10 ears of Grandma's corn in one sitting), watermelon, and black berry cobbler (she always made extra pie crust for the cobbler so that Angela, Mark and I could eat it before dinner). Everything was made with love from foods she grew in her own back yard.

Daniel and I at our wedding with all of our living grandparents and parents, 2002.

She was a seamstress who sewed all of her own clothes, and made many matching dresses for my sister and I when we were little. She taught me how to sew when I was about 10, though I am sure she was somewhat disappointed that I never really embraced her lessons. Some days I wish I had paid more attention.

Grandma meeting Jack in Searcy, 2012.

Grandma introduced me to crafting and gave me many books that had step-by-step directions on how to make all kinds of things. Jack even has an original sock monkey that she made for my brother when he was little. And on top of everything, she was pretty fearless. I have vivid memories of her killing snakes in her garden without batting an eye!

Four Generations, Jack was the first grandson, 2012.

As I have gotten older I have come to realize that Grandma had a lot of stories to tell. She lived through the Great Depression where she had a front row seat to many new inventions: from electricity in the home to automobiles and eventually computers and the internet (which I'm sure intimidated her). She was a part of the Rosie the Riveter program during WWII, and worked on Indian reservations in Oklahoma, teaching women to sew and cook. She earned a college degree when my dad was little, and I am actually the third generation on both sides of my family to go to college.

Visiting Grandma when she was first confined to a bed, 2012.

   
As I look around my own house I see reflections of her. At this moment I am sitting in her father's armchair. I recovered it a couple of years ago and found remnants of at least four different fabrics hidden in the frame. The dinnerware that we currently use was passed along to me when I was in college. They are simple white plates and bowls that have served me well, as they did her. On my porch is her butter churn. It's decorative now, but it was put to good use in days gone by. I have a huge ceramic bowl that she used for holding scraps for her compost pile, and my siblings and I all have quilts that have been passed down from past generations.

Visiting Grandma after she moved in with our parents, 2013.

When I was little, Grandma and Grandpa Moore (her 3rd husband and the man I knew as Grandpa) had a camper and a National Park pass that they would use every summer to travel the country and fish. I suppose that plays a part in my own wanderlust.

Celebrating Grandma's 94th birthday, 2015.

Life for Grandma was hard at times and, like all of us, she had good years and bad. I hope I always remember the good things about Grandma. I am so thankful she was able to meet both of my boys (and her other greats) and I hope to pass along her legacy – a love for Jesus, good southern food, and hard work.

Grandma loved her great grandchildren. Meeting Isaac, summer of 2015.

...

Ten days ago I learned that a classmate, Amelia, from my hometown was in a terrible car wreck. Last night I learned that she would not be waking up. She leaves behind a husband and two small children.

I don't even know what to say. Unexpected death is the thing that I find to be the most challenging to my faith. It is so senseless. I am incredibly sad for her family.

Like when my friend drowned earlier this year, or the Sandy Hook shootings last week, my mind screams, "Why?" They don't deserve this. Those left behind don't deserve to deal with this. And yet this is life. This is the world we live in. It is full of hurt and suffering and pain.

There are no words that I can offer of comfort to these families. I pray for them. For comfort. For shoulders to cry on. For arms to be wrapped around them and ears to listen. I pray that they have people who will walk with them as they traverse this difficult valley of pain and suffering.

"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand … For I, the LORD your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, “Fear not, I am the one who helps you.” – Isaiah 41:10, 13

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January 30, 2013 UPDATE 
Shortly after I wrote this original blog post, Amelia showed signs of brain activity. She was admitted to the Shepherd Center in Atlanta to help recover from the brain injury she sustained from her accident. Her family is hopeful that she will be in a Minimally Conscious State by her birthday and be able to move on to the next phase of treatment. 

April 4, 2013 UPDATE
Amelia was able to go home. Her mother is caring for her at this time. I am unclear as to how much she will recover, but she is now home and surrounded by family.

God continues to work in this situation and I continue to pray for her family as they walk through this difficult valley.

July 23, 2013 UPDATE
Amelia's Mom wrote:  

Our precious Amelia has her victory. She peacefully went to her new home this morning at 7:00. We didn't leave her bedside and we were watching every breath. Thank you for your love and prayers.

I am truly saddened by the loss of Amelia. I hope and pray that her family can find peace in this terrible ordeal. They will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers in the days and years to come. For some reason I keep having the image in my head of Amelia running through a field of daisies to meet loved ones who have gone before her. Rest in love, Amelia.

Don't Waste Your Life

When it comes to the death of someone young, or at least someone close to your own age, it always seems so senseless. So unfair. So tragic. So many unanswered questions. So sad. So hard. So many thoughts. So many images flashing through my mind when I close my eyes.

This past week a friend of ours, Patrick Halstead, was taken off of life support after a drowning accident. It all makes no sense. We sit and question what could have happened. We wonder, why? What is God's purpose in all of this?

And there are no answers.

Patrick was a good father and a good friend. He was the kind of guy who would go the extra mile to check on you, just because. 

A few years ago when I was rushed to the ER for a blood clot, Patrick showed up at the ER {shortly after I posted a status update to Facebook}. He came at a critical time for me... I had just learned that besides having a blood clot in my leg, I also had a pulmonary embolism and they would be admitting me to the hospital for a week. Daniel had gone home to pack for the hospital stay and I couldn't reach him to update him about what was going on. I was terrified and alone when Patrick walked through the door. He was one of the few to visit me in the hospital and at the time he didn't even know me that well. He just showed up. Not many people just show up at the critical times in our lives... Patrick was special in that way: he always made time for people.

I hate that Patrick is no longer with us. I hate it for his son. I hate it for his family. I hate that we didn't get to see him when we were in Charlotte a few months ago. But Patrick taught me something invaluable: People are important and I need to be better about making time for people; making time to show up.

Today is Patrick's memorial service in Charlotte and my heart aches for his son, for his family, for those closest to him. When I hold my own son, my heart breaks a little more.

Patrick will be sorely missed by many. I take comfort in the fact that while life was not always easy for him, he was able to take the opportunity {after a lay off from Verizon} to work at the White Water Center in Charlotte doing something he loved. I take comfort in the fact that he didn't waste his life. I take comfort in knowing that I will see him again in Heaven.

Patrick -- I hope that you knew that you were loved. I hope that you knew that you touched a lot of people by showing up. 

*Pictures from a camping trip in the North Carolina Mountains in September, 2008.

bittersweet.

Yesterday around lunch time, I received a text message that I had been waiting for. One of my closest friends from high school had finally had her baby {she was four days overdue}. I was in Baby's R Us and very ecstatic to learn the news. I can't wait to go meet her baby boy in person.

The rest of the day Daniel and I went about running errands in Chattanooga and then hanging out at home.

After a long afternoon nap, I checked into Facebook and learned that a friend from college was facing the passing of her own baby boy. Five month old Ian has been at Vanderbilt fighting for his life since his birth. Sadly, Ian went to be with the angels last night. The finality of the news is heartbreaking.

I have no words. 

I pray that God will give comfort and strength to Ashley and Bob and their families during this incredibly difficult time.

Rough Week

This week has been a tough one. Emotionally. Mentally. Physically. Just tough on so many levels. This post may be long. I just need to get some things off my chest. I don't know if I have it in me to talk out loud about these things, so if you want to share advice or encouragement, I ask that you do it in the comments or through an email...

On Tuesday morning, I found out {via Facebook} that a friend from high school, Buddy {Trey} Harp had died in a car accident. He was the older brother of a friend, but we were all in church youth group together and I would count Buddy as a friend as well.

It has been at least 10 years since I had seen Buddy so I don't have a significant personal attachment to him. HOWEVER, I find it incredibly tragic that he died leaving behind a wife and 6-month-old child, as well as his entire family. The whole story breaks my heart. I hurt so much for his wife and child and the pain they must be suffering right now. Every time I think about them, it makes me start to cry. I can't live my life crying, but I am learning that crying can be a good relief from pain.

This situation continues to weigh heavy on my heart. On top of that, it continues to be difficult to be separated from Daniel. During the week, we are both so tired it is hard to communicate effectively. And then when he is home, we are having to make tough decisions, work hard and we don't have a lot of time to just be us. I know those days are coming, but after a week like this, I could really just use 30 minutes to cuddle and not think about anything else. I need to feel connected. I need to feel like if for some AWFUL reason I lost him, we would have spent some quality time together.

The stress of getting our house on the market is really having an impact on us. We are both dog tired. We are forgetting things. We realized Friday night that the registration and tags on the Altima was expired. So I got up early this morning to go get an inspection. Then the realtor came by to sign paperwork {and answer all of D's questions}. The landscapers showed up too. Then they left without doing a major component of the yard work we had agreed to... talk about STRESS. Daniel called the owner of the company and the guys came back this afternoon to finish - it was just a misunderstanding, but stressful nonetheless. I have been on my feet working for the past 13 hours. I am exhausted and we still have work to do.

Have you ever said something out loud that you immediately regretted? This happened to me on Friday. I wish I that I could CNTR+Z my life. But I can't. I said some things that may have {unintentionally} hurt a friend. And there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. I have apologized, but that doesn't lift this burden. I wish I could be like Sophie {my dog} and show remorse for being bad and then let it go and immediately return to loving everything and everyone and being loved in return. For humans, that seems to be a much harder thing to do.

So. It has been a rough week. I have no idea what the future holds. I pray that the coming week will be a good one. I continue to pray that God will hold the family of Buddy Harp in his hands. Our house will be officially on the market on Wednesday {as long as nothing catastrophic happens}. Daniel and I will be spending next weekend together in Atlanta at a friend's wedding. I hope this gives us some time to rejuvenate and reconnect and just appreciate being together again. And I especially hope that things work out with my open mouth, insert foot incident.

A good friend of ours lost her mom today to cancer. I know that her mom is in a better place without pain, but it makes me sad for my friend and her family.