Weaning a Baby, Not What I Expected

442: Number of days I nursed my baby
1 month: Approximate amount of time we took to gradually wean
2 weeks: Approximate amount of time for me to feel "normal" again after weaning
0: Number of bottles Jack took

In the many months leading up to having my first child, I read a decent amount about what to expect. I regularly checked in with BabyCenter to see how my child would be progressing each week and how I should be feeling. Mostly I discovered that I had a very easy pregnancy and very few of the symptoms I read about applied to me –– my worst symptoms being heart burn and back pain.

After Jack came along, I periodically read about how my baby should be developing and what milestones he should be hitting, but I relaxed about how much I needed to know. Instead of preemptively reading up on something, I did research if I was concerned or unsure about anything.

Before Jack turned one, Daniel and I agreed that once he turned 1, it would be a good time to wean him. I knew a lot of moms who had decided to wean at 12 months and frankly I was ready for a break. I never pumped and Jack never took a bottle and I was just tired of nursing. I am thankful that I had the opportunity and ability to provide sustenance for my sweet child for so long, but he was eating real food, growing well and meeting milestones and I felt like 12 months was a good time to stop. 

I knew I didn't want to quit cold turkey {for my sake and Jack's} and I knew it would be a process. We were already down to 3 sessions a day and we dropped down to 2 shortly after Jack turned one. Then the month of December hit us like a ton of bricks and I just felt like it was wrong to subject Jack to something as life changing as weaning when we weren't even home and our whole family was under a lot of stress. We even went back to 3 sessions a day.

On January 1, 2013, we decided that it was time to try again. We dropped back to two feedings and had no issues.

After 2 weeks, we dropped the late afternoon one. Again, no problems.

After another 2 weeks, we dropped the morning one. Every day of that last week, I told Jack that it would be the last Monday (Tues/Weds/etc.) that he would nurse and that after Sunday he would only get a big boy sippy cup. I have no idea if he understood me, but I'm sure he understood more than I think.

On the first Monday we didn't nurse, I gave Jack his sippy cup first thing. He took 2 sips, pushed it away and cried. So I gave him breakfast. He was a bit fussy, and was rewarded with an early morning nap. Repeat on Tuesday. By Wednesday he was fine.

I nursed Jack for a total of 442 days and I am pretty proud of that. Overall I would say that from Jack's perspective, weaning was a success {even though I didn't do a lot of research to prepare}.

However having done no research, I had no clue that weaning would have such an affect me. I wrote a little bit about this earlier, but I wanted to expand on this. I had.no.idea. that hormones would play such a big part or that I would be super cranky or feel so miserable. Heartburn, cramps, and fatigue plagued me for two weeks. I don't know if research would have made it any easier, but I certainly wasn't prepared for how challenging this process would be from a physical standpoint. You hear all about how hard pregnancy and labor typically are, but I wasn't expecting weaning to be so difficult on my body.

Since life is not without humor {even during difficult times}, here is an excerpt from an email conversation Daniel and I had regarding weaning:

Me: Do you mind running into town and buying me a head of cabbage* before you come home?

Daniel: I can, but is that.... necessary? Anything else we can eat?
(As I admit bias against the idea since I don't even like cabbage...)

Me: It's not to eat. I need it to stick in my bra to help dry up milk that is left.

Daniel: Oh. OK. That I'll go into town for. Those pad things not work?

Me: The pads are to soak up leaking milk. Cabbage is to dry up the actual milk in the milk ducts.

*Cabbage was suggested during a nursing class I took and also by my sister. It helps to dry up your milk. Since I weaned gradually I only had one day where I actually implemented this technique. The leaves felt cool on my skin – similar to what it feels like to put cucumbers on your eyes. 

More Than Just a Mom

Last year I read this post on A CUP OF JO about Jo's struggle with postpartum depression. For her it didn't come until she was weaning her child. I found it interesting and must have stored the information from that article in the back of my cob-webby mommy brain.

Anyways, I didn't really think that I would struggle with strong emotional feelings when it came to pregnancy and motherhood. I am a fairly stoic person and not overly emotional. While pregnant, I can count on one hand the number of times I cried for no reason. I even saw the movie "The Help" and I didn't cry. Surrounded by women in a theater and very pregnant and I didn't even tear up. 

After Jack came along I jumped into the business of being a mom and don't recall feeling anything unusual. When my period came back I had intense cramps but no strong emotional feelings to go with it. All of this to say that I appeared to be returning to my normal, even after giving birth.

So, it has been a bit of shock that as I come to the end of nursing my sweet boy {we are in the process of weaning, and Sunday will be the last day} I have been feeling at odds with myself. I have felt lost in a sea of motherhood. Some days I feel that all I am is a mom and it overwhelms me. I have been having odd panicky feelings surrounding death and illness that grip me in the night. Bouts of insomnia have plagued me the last couple of weeks. And I wonder what is going on.

Then I remember reading this article and I think, this could be what is going on.*

And it makes me feel a bit better.

I have also been reminding myself that while I love being a mom and Jack has made me a better person, I am more than that. There are roles that I filled before I became a mother that I still fill today. None of that has changed. Some of those roles may have shifted in priority, but they still exist.

Wife. Daughter. Sister. Friend. Christian. Artist. Outdoor Enthusiast. Good Cook. Adrenaline Junkie. Designer. World Traveler. Lover of Books and Learning.

I think my recent feelings are why it was so important to me to go hiking last weekend. I didn't care that it was a bit cool or that we got a late start and would only be able to squeeze in a couple of miles. I desperately needed to feel like me. I needed to do it for myself. I needed to do it so that I could be a better wife and mom. It is why I have been forcing myself to go workout with a group a couple of times a week. Even though it is dark and cold out, I need those moments to clear my mommy head and feel like I am me again. No other obligations, just me.

*Note that I don't think I am suffering from any kind of severe depression. Certainly not anything debilitating. It is more that I have just been struggling with my own personal identity and I think that some of what I have been going through could be linked to hormonal changes that go along with weaning a baby.