Me: Throwing [pretend] swords at people's foreheads isn't nice.
At the playground: I want to make lots of new friends.
Jack: Mommy, I wonder what peanut butter and water make.
Me: A mess.
Jack [a few minutes later, laughing]: A mess, hahaha, that's funny.
Mommy, this is a painting of lots of bird poop.
[showed me his preschool painting - white paint on blue construction paper]
Me: I have happy boys. Are you happy?
Jack: Only when I don't get consequences.
Stinky poop smells like bad waffles.
Can we eat at the Pizza Place next to Mexico?
[referencing El Metate, our local Mexican restaurant]
Daniel: If you're going to wee [slide on the hammock], wee gently.
What kind of joke is that?
[asked at random times, never related to an actual joke...]
Can I have the pizza cheese in the green container? [parmesan]
I love cheese, I eat quickly if there is cheese [on my food].
I need my humidity-fire.
Several years ago, my niece Izzy went through an "actually" stage. Jack is currently in that stage - it's his new favorite word. He uses it all.the.time.
Saw a picture of birds in a bird cage and was very concerned about the birds, "They're trapped!"
Me: I'm going to set a timer on my phone [for screen time].
Jack: Set it for 100 minutes.
Jack: I don't like this [gnocchi]... have I had it before?
Me: Just finish your bite.
Jack: Oh, yeah I like it.
Mommy, when will you have a day off so you can go grocery shopping?
Don't sing that song, or off with your roses! [head, Alice in Wonderland reference]
Daniel: Hey Jack, since Sophie is in the driver's seat I'm going to let her drive the car and take you to go get pizza.
Jack: Actually daddy, Sophie can't drive the car.
Daniel: Why not?
Jack: Because she doesn't have any hands.